Happiness in a Real Way

I've started to compose a list of things that make me truly happy. Not just things I enjoy, but things that make my heart full, my body buzz with anticipation, and my feet skip without my permission. That kind of happy that I can't fake. It' s turning out to be a harder list than I thought. I wanted to put down all the things that I enjoy doing. For instance...music. Now this is actually a sore spot for me. I love music. When I first picked up the flute (Jethro Tull made it cool, I can too!) in fifth grade, I fell in love with music. I would practice for hours a day, put on concerts for my parents, buy Beatles song books and walk around the house playing Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.

Then in middle school I discovered string instruments and choir. I got to fall in love all over again! I started listening to more music than oldies and boy bands (though I do admit I still put on BBMak from time to time), and it was incredible to find people who I could relate to who didn't even know me. I didn't have to share anything with them, but I felt like I was listening to someone's most intimate secrets. I got into a habit last year of whenever I had a bad day I would sit down and play a song on the stereo and play along until I could play it, too.

This love affair, somewhere along the line...lost its spark. I don't know where it was, but I didn't realize it until I was writing this list and when I put down "music" my heart didn't flutter. Somewhere down the line, I stopped loving music for me, and started making it about the world. Maybe it was when I felt obligated to be on the edge of what was going on, to know bands before anyone else did. Maybe it was because I started to be sort of embarrassed that I'm not that good at guitar, at least not compared to a lot of my friends who can pick up any instrument and wail on it like no one's business. These feelings of inadequacy crept in and body snatched the thing I loved most. Weird, right?

Well when I realized that last night, I called myself a tool, and when I got back home after going out, I resolved to myself to not let anyone else define what makes me happy. Which is hard, I'll admit. I'm a chronic people pleaser. But it's worth a try! But that way, I can add music to its rightful place on the list of things that make me perfectly, giddily, childishly happy. Here is the list so far, by the way:

1. Music
2. Historical fiction
3. The East Coast (mainly for all the museums and history and seafood)
4. Harry Potter
5. Lord of the Rings
6. Europe
7. The Northwest
8. Road trips
9. Really old churches
10. Peanut butter
11. Cooking/baking
12. Museums of almost any kind
13. Watching movies that I've seen a billion times
14. Going out to eat with friends (preferably long meals)

That is the list so far. I add things as I feel them. One thing that is conspicuously not on there? My faith. Or God. It's hard for me to put into words what gives me peace and happiness with Him. A lot of the time I struggle with Him, and my faith in Him is only a faith that one day it will get better, which I firmly believe it will. Struggling is something with a lot of Biblical merit, and just because my relationship with Christ isn't happy-go-lucky, I still know that I love Him more than anything else, and that it's worth going through the storm. But right now, perfect happiness isn't really achieved there.

Speaking of perfect happiness, I just stubbed my toe really really hard. We'll put that on the list called, "Ouch."

Happiness- Built to Spill













Old jam party back from high school. Back when the song "Girl in the Red Dress" was born. And I tried to kill it. And it haunts me still!