Honesty

Hey friends!

I am a big advocate of emotional honesty. You know, the kind where if I'm feeling terrible, I don't try to smack on a smile and end up feeling fake. Unfortunately, I'm a hypocrite and that's what I've been doing.

My biggest instinct right now is to run far away from everything I know and start over. There really isn't an overriding reason for this. Life seems to be all right. I have good grades, I have good friends, my family is awesome. But I don't have...me. At least, I don't see me very well. I know I've said on my MySpace blog that I've felt awkward before...I guess I don't feel awkward anymore, which is good, I just feel...like an ellipses I guess. Sort of like I'm trailing off.

I'm sort of on the edge of doing that very thing, running away. For someone who has always been pretty grounded and happy in reality, this is the most horrible feeling I've ever had. I don't know how to act around people, and I am terrified of letting anyone get to know me, because I'm convinced I'm going to be horrible.

I keep having the scary feeling that I'm fading away on the inside, and I don't want to end up filling myself with things that will only make me feel less alive. I wrote a song about this recently...and part of it goes; I love coffee because it makes me shake/ Like I used to when I was awake/And I know I should ask if you like the rain/Before stepping into your sunny place/ But I swear I'm not insane/ I'm just tired of turning your dirt into mud

When I was in high school, my aunt passed away because of an eating disorder. So, since I went to an all-girls school, my family and I organized sort of Emotional Awareness Day for everyone. We had speakers come in about eating disorders, emotional disorders, and even the gym teacher's wife came in and taught us some self-defense (I can now effectively break noses, knee caps...and other delicate appendages). During that time I remember thinking, and saying, that I hated how down some girls got on themselves, caring too much about the opinions of others. Seeing themselves through everyone else's eyes. I couldn't understand it.

Whoo...I get it now!

I've been trying to snap out of it. But I can't. I'm also trying not to dump on people, which I sincerely hope is working. I don't want to be a raincloud during an already gray winter.

I just thought that since I've heard a couple people ask where I've been recently...this is where I've been.

I have complete faith that it will get better. I certainly don't know when, and I don't feel like it will be soon. God willing I can make it through a little more until I can start to see why He put me here, and why He seems to like me so much.