I know I've referenced Nick Hornby's High Fidelity before, but I'll use it as a jumping off point here, too. When it comes to dating, what matters more; what you like or who you are? Even fuzzier, where is the line between the two? It continues to baffle me that the laws of attraction don't seem to pan out in any predictable pattern. Sure, everyone says they have a "type," but often that type doesn't exist, or doesn't work.
Back in middle school I had this huge crush on a guy named Ace. Looking back on it, I don't think Ace and I ever had a meaningful conversation. He played trumpet in band, and I thought he was cute. I don't know if the whole music thing even mattered. Flute and trumpet don't exactly epic duets make. Either way, once I started dating in early high school, my first boyfriend and I became "official" after knowing each other after only a week. We talked, and had a great time. Looking back on it, I can see that the things we liked to do or listen to played into it a bit more, but not too much. He was the one who introduced me to Ben Folds, Woody Allen, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and Christopher Guest flicks. The next relationship I entered a year later was based definitely more on those things that are easy to define. We both played a mean game of Risk, and liked to play music. It was almost like a questionnaire being filled out. You know;
1. God?
2. Top 5 favorite bands?
3. Top 5 favorite movies?
4. Ever feel like dancing?
5. What're your feelings on being a foodie?
6. Would you be caught dead in carpenter jeans/wife beaters?
Unconsciously, yes, but regardless...whether or not the guy ever fit the criteria, I found myself holding onto my "ideal" guy in my brain. It was almost like swimming in an ocean and holding onto one of those floatie noodles; it's so much easier at least feel a bit safer once relationships become more complicated.
I guess my main confusion comes into this question; does it matter at all? Sure, there are the unbreakable categories; smart, respectful, funny, amiable, emotionally available. Past that, what's negotiable, and what isn't? Does natural attraction trump the list of compatibility that I have naturally composed over the years? If someone doesn't hold my same values, does that mean they have no place in my life? Or is it merely a chance to get to know someone who isn't the cookie cutter I've carried around in my head?
Oh, and also, what in the WORLD is casual dating, and where was I when it became a trend? I feel as though I've been napping in between serious relationships and woke up to a world of carefree coffee dates and hand holding. It's like I was listening to Ella Fitzgerald and someone switched it to Marcy Playground. Not that it's bad...I'm just not so sure where I fit in the mix.
All these questions will be answered in time, because I know the overriding answer to them;
Calm down Kathleen, and let things happen as they will.
Yes. I know. But sometimes to actually let that answer sink in, I need to dump all the hazy junk that keeps me on edge and nervous.
Song I Woke Up To
The Man I Love- Ella Fitzgerald
Song on the Street
Sex and Candy- Marcy Playground
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4 comments:
I was always pretty confused by your Ace thing, too. It was so strange.
Have you been introduced to the boy points system of my and Ming's invention? It's a nice ranking system of criteria, based on a 100 point system. I can email it to you if you'd like. You're free to change some of the categories to your own specifications. (e.g. we have non-religiosity as a category, but you'd obv. wanna change that)
Check the mail Saturday; I'm mailing you something tomorrow.
Way to go for your first boyfriend for the Woody Allen, Christopher Guest, etc stuff.
I kind of giggle at the memory of your Ace thing...it was so...Ace? You should really take Kaitlin up on that Boy Points thing, it's pretty handy. Although, I think you're right about the just happening thing. Certain people hit it off, and there you go. My sister-in-law's parents are pretty much polar opposites (do different things, have different habits, different interests, etc.)and they're one of the best couples I've ever seen. It's weird how that kind of stuff goes.
Also, we have a strange blogging synchronization. We have, on numerous occasions, posted on the same day, around the same time, and/or about the same thing. [insert Twilight Zone theme song]
I'm watching High Fidelity right now, and it is amazing, as always.
Damn you for putting up all those blog links! Just what I needed, more distractions from being a productive member of society.
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